For the last couple of years (since being diagnosed with arthritis and an autoimmune disease) I find that I often feel overwhelmed with all the activities and responcibilities that go along with all that I do... I often feel an intense sadness that I can't explain and don't know how to fix... Sometimes I relate this sadness to what is going on in my life ~ but I honestly can say that my life is very blessed and I really have nothing to be sad over... But these feelings continue to come and I have noticed they have increased in frequency and severity... I find there are mornings I don't want to even get out of bed ~ not because I feel bad or am hurting (even though I have many mornings like that) but because I just don't want to face the day...
This morning I woke up with just a feeling of "STRESS and SADNESS" ... not sure why or where it came from... and I know that everyone has these feeling at sometime or another in their lives ~ but with the increase in frequency and severity, it is becoming more difficult for me to deal with...
And I know that this is probably not the arena to discuss this ~ but I am sure I am not the only one that has these feelings and I am sure that I am not the only one who has wondered how to fix it...And sometimes just getting my feelings out, make me not feel better, but like I am able to let it go... Vent my frustrations, if you will...
Finding time to rest and take care of myself and my health has been difficult, because I have always had a problem saying "NO" ... I have always worried what others thought about what I was doing and thinking (that maybe I wasn't pulling my weight or doing my part)...and I have always worried about how my decisions impact others around me... I have prayed for guidance on alot of decisions that I know I have to make and thoughts about how to deal with others reactions to these decisions...and I have earnestly been praying for a solution to my feelings and what I am sure could be called "depression" or as my rheumatologist has said before "chemical imbalances related to medications" ... Now I know he probably doesn't realize how much of an impact that it is making not only on my life, but on the lives of my children and my husband...
This morning as I was having my quiet time (and trying to psyche myself into getting up and going this morning) ~ I heard DD playing her "SEEDS of COURAGE" CD upstairs in her room... and I thought about the verse that particular song was based on... It truly gave meaning to my prayers and was like an answer to what I was feeling this morning...
Psalm 62:1-2
" My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. "
Now thinking and praying over this verse didn't make me ache less nor did it decrease my joint swelling ~ but it did help me to realize that I am on the right path and I have to put my faith in him and that he will get me through all that I am asking him to help with... Through faith, and faith alone will all things be made better ~ he is my rock, I cannot be shaken...
Lisa, I understand! hugs!! For me, my spiral into depression FORCED me into learning how to say no. It is still a battle I face, but you must learn it, my dear. :) I think God has used the depression in my life to draw me to Himself and show me what is most important. I was doing a lot of GOOD things, but not His BEST for me!! Praying for you, friend!!
ReplyDeleteI find playing praise and worship music in the mornings helps a lot. It gets my whole state of mind right. I also know our morning devotions do a lot as we just set a time every day to get before the Lord. (Even if it is only 20 minutes.)
ReplyDeleteThe biggest factor to re-gaining the peace and joy I had has been to set things down.
I just sat the kids down and said here is what we are doing. I'm not running every day/night.
I get crazy nuts, when I have too much to do. I just get overwhelmed and am no good to anyone. (I don't act good, I don't receive others like I should, I get mentally and physically drained, and then I finally just feel put out. ) So my joy in serving isn't really even there. When that happens I have to realize that I am trying to serve in my flesh. God doesn't call me to do all those things. I just have boundary issues. He says "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
I can say that this semester at home, has changed things so much. I have so much more joy, peace, and am really enjoying my children so much more. I don't feel so rushed with school now. I am enjoying not being rushed, not having to worry with teaching extra classes and all the running etc.
In the presence of the Lord there is fullness of Joy!
Lisa, I have been following your blog for quite sometime. I usually never comment on any of the blogs I follow, but I felt the need to comment this time... It is funny how you look at some people like I used to look at you and others at coop a few years back and think to myself "she has it all together... the perfect homeschooling mom providing so much opportunity for learning for her children... she has so much to offer this coop...the perfect marriage from the things I'd hear... the perfect walk with Christ... and a well rounded life." I kept feeling like I was such a failure. I felt like nothing was even remotely perfect in my life and I was failing everyone around me. I left the coop because I felt like I had nothing to give like everyone else did, moved away and went into a little shell of depression. I refused to take any medication due to the implications it would have on the custody court case I was dealing with at the time. I have found that writing in a journal my feelings of failure and prayers to the Lord drastically helped me. It didn't take away all the negative things happening around me but it gave me peace that the Lord was with me and I wasn't a failure in his eyes. Not to sound mean but in a way I'm glad to read this because it shows me we all struggle but with the Lords help we can and will make it.
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you left me a comment. I really debated posting this, because until you have feelings like these, they are difficult for others to understand. I understand completely where you are coming from. I often read other blogs or in talking with other homeschool moms and have felt those same feelings. Sometimes I think we can be so hard on ourselves~ much harder than anyone else would be. And you are so right, it is with the Lord's help that we can get through anything, it's just in the asking for the help. I wish I had known how you were feeling when you left co-op. I knew of the custody struggle and you were in my prayer journal through that time.. I can't imagine what a struggle it must have been. I know that in the last bit, I have grown stronger in my prayers and I have found that as you said, it doesn't keep things from happening but it does affect how I respond to them.
Thanks so much for your comment!!! ((HUGS))